Canada Calls Snap Election to Stop Trump’s 51st State Fantasy
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Canada’s new Prime Minister Mark Carney has called an early election for April 28, apparently deciding that democracy functions best when it’s scheduled around Donald Trump’s latest tantrums. With the former U.S. president openly musing about annexing Canada like a discounted Florida timeshare, Carney is asking Canadians to rally behind him in what experts are calling “the most dramatic breakup attempt since Brexit.”
Carney, a former banker with exactly zero election experience, hopes to use Trump’s aggression as a political trampoline to launch himself into office properly. His campaign slogan might as well be “We’re not America, and we’d like to keep it that way.” Meanwhile, Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre—who has been accused of Trumpian tendencies himself—is trying to convince voters that he would handle Trump better, though his strategy so far seems to be “Promise I’m not his Canadian cousin.”
Trump, for his part, remains delightfully indifferent. “I don’t care who wins up there,” he said, while actively wrecking Canada’s economy with fresh tariffs. Experts agree that if he cared any less, he’d have to be put on life support.
As the race tightens, Canadians must decide: do they vote for Carney’s Wall Street Smarts, Poilievre’s Libertarian Toughness, or simply begin learning the lyrics to The Star-Spangled Banner?
